Entries categorized as ‘Growth’

Where I Stand on the Dickwolves T-Shirt Comment Mike Made at PAX Prime 2013

September 19, 2013 · Comments Off on Where I Stand on the Dickwolves T-Shirt Comment Mike Made at PAX Prime 2013

Here’s where I stand:

Dickwolves comic I understood the joke Mike made, and I understood why it upset rape survivors.

Rape survivors: They need our understanding and support. Every single one of us can level up our empathy and support skills. If we work hard at it.

The PAX Prime 2013 panel The cheer is the first part that bothers me. Read this rape survivor’s reaction to being in the audience and hearing that cheer:

The fact that no one in the audience immediately stood up and yelled out “What the FUCK, Mike?!” is the second part that bothers me. It’s not enough to silently disagree with rape culture, and let these teaching moments slip by. This work is hard and it takes extreme bravery to speak up in the moment that speaking up can do the most good.

Dickwolves shirts: They should never have been designed, printed, or sold. But they were. And nothing like that should ever happen again.

The entire Dickwolf controversy: I am glad we are talking about survivor support, and I am very glad we are working to destroy rape culture. Because it’s people like us who will make it clear to everyone that rape is not funny, it is not OK, and if you rape a person, society will stop feeding and sheltering you. If you rape, you are On Your Own. That is what proto-rapists need to repeatedly see, hear, and internalize before they decide to hurt someone. And we need to make that statement true: if you rape, you are On Your Own.

Leftover defense mechanisms from childhood: There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to step outside ourselves and ask, “Are the coping strategies I developed as a child still serving me well, now that I am an adult?” I’m currently wading through this self-examination in my own life. If Mike’s not already there, his time approaches.

Mike’s apology “I absolutely regret everything we did after that comic….Everything we did after that initial comic strip was a mistake and I regret all of it….PAX makes me want to be better.” Regardless of what happens next, I decided a long time ago that I would never let one person ruin a good thing for me, even if that person is at the head of PAX. I don’t have to worship Mike to love making a PAX.

RAINN donation: I already automatically donate $10 a month to RAINN. Survivors need our support year-round. You can too:

PAX stay/go: I’m staying. Working from within is my best option for making PAX the way I want it to be – safe. Playful. Fun. A homecoming. Like a family reunion full of family members I’m actually happy to see.

The culture I live in today: We. WE. Need to change this.

Categories: Connection · Current Affairs · Growth

On the Topic of Victim Blaming

October 9, 2012 · 1 Comment

There’s something I need to get off my chest:

I am really angry.

I’m about to post something inflammatory, but it’s weighing on me and I think it needs to be said, and strongly.

Here is a hypothetical scenario that illustrates why I can’t prevent sexual harassment – by sticking up for myself, or by any other means.

Harasser: I want to _____ your _____ until my _____ falls off.

Me: What you just said really offends me. Please never speak to me again. Also, go away.

Harasser: Sorry. (Leaves. Two weeks go by.) How about if you _____ your _____ while I watch?

BOOM. Just like that, I’ve been harassed – I’ve received repeated, unwanted sexual advances. Notice that it was totally out of my control – the harasser KNEW I didn’t want to hear anything like that ever again, and he didn’t CARE. He didn’t stop because he hadn’t yet gotten what HE wanted, and he hadn’t given up hope that he would.

And that is the core nature of harassment: it is all the harasser’s doing. And it is NOT MY FAULT.

It does NOT matter what I say or how I say it. It doesn’t matter what I wear or whether I venture out after dark. It doesn’t matter whether I’m sober, tipsy, or drunk. It doesn’t matter whether I’m single or in a committed relationship. If a harasser has targeted me, he’s not going to give up until HE wants to give up.

The only people who can prevent harassment are HARASSERS. So stop telling victims what they should do differently. Instead, start telling harassers to KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

Categories: Certainty · Contribution · Current Affairs · Growth · Health and Fitness · Psychology

Bad Boys Get There First

May 28, 2012 · Comments Off on Bad Boys Get There First

Back in 1994 I broke off a six-and-a-half-year relationship with a narcissist. (That’s a whole story in itself.) But yes, I dated him, yes, for way too long, and yes – I fed what seemed like evidence into the “girls like bad boys” myth.

It occurred to me just now that, even though girls really don’t like bad boys, we do end up dating them. And the nice guys do get left out in the cold.

Why? Because bad boys do one thing nice guys don’t:

They risk rejection.

They approach the women they’re interested in, and they ask them out. And those women, they are flattered. They are happy for the attention. They get that momentary validation that yes, somebody does find you attractive, after all. And that emotional glow clouds their judgement and gets them to say “yes”.

And then the years of regret. Because we all know, once you’re in a bad relationship, it’s tough to get out. You don’t want to be the bad guy, right? The one who gave up first? The one who rejected the other? So you stay, way too long, until you figure out how to break it off.

And in the meantime, the nice guys wait patiently on the sidelines, waiting for you to come to your senses and ditch the loser, so they can have their shot. Which might get scooped, again, by another risk-taking bad boy.

tl;dr. What I’m saying is, nice guys: don’t let the bad boys beat you to the punch. Risk rejection. Tell that girl you like her, and you’d like to date her. Let her know she doesn’t have to answer right this second – you’d just like her to consider the idea and get back to you and tell you what she thinks. And do it before some gutsy loser does it first.

Categories: Growth · Psychology · Relationships